Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
