I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
