I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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