I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
