my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
