He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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