i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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