Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We left the knife in your bed.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
