The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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