then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
