his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
