I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
