I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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