her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
