I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
So squirting runs in the family.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
