all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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