Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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