The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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