So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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