my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
