I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
