umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
