Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
