Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Buhtt sex?
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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