Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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