I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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