I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
