i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
