margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
