Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize