dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
