Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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