Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
