mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
How's work?
Spinning.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
