look no pants
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
