Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
