I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
