I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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