Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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