i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
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