I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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