The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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