I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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