Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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