I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
