a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
