My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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