I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
