Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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