Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
