So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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