Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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