This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
