Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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