More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
