is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
